Thoughts: Ghosting

outline of tops of forest trees being submerged in fog. The picture is in black and white and you are only able to see a few trees in the foreground before they are submerged in fog

Reading Ghosts by Dolly Alderton brought back the memories of my own experiences of being ghosted. An experience that has only come about in the last couple of decades with more communication moving from human interactions to the screen on our phones.

For those lucky enough not to have experienced ghosting, it’s when someone (most commonly a romantic partner) suddenly stops all communication with you. You try messaging them – no response. Try calling – goes to voicemail. You think that maybe something awful has happened to them, until you see that they saw your message at [insert time and date here].

The humiliation and pain of being ghosted by a friend cuts deeper. The feelings that it evokes in you feel different to that of a love interest. When it’s a close friend doing the ghosting, coward doesn’t feel like the right word to describe their actions. It also takes a lot longer to get over.

I’ve wasted so much time racking my brain for what I did to cause the ghosting and can’t find the answer. I put an emphasis on wasted because it detracted from the friends and people who are present in my life. I became fearful of my words and would assess what I had said after every conversation, filled with fear that I had said something wrong and would push more people away.

It’s difficult to remember that it’s not about you, and actually says more about the person doing the ghosting. More often than not, it’s about the ghosters own insecurities and anxieties.

I can’t bring myself to delete said friends number*. There is still a small hope within me that they will come back. This hope is slowly shrinking.

There is only one option, if you are ever even remotely close to ghosting someone – tell them (in a nice way) that you are not interested, that it has run it’s cause, that it’s over… They will be gone from your life a lot more quickly and you will have saved them a lot of pain and humiliation.

*Update: I have now deleted their number, thanks to reasoning in this posts comments.

12 Comments

  1. Ghosting is such a coward thing to do. A guy I was dating ghosted randomly after a few months and it drove me crazy trying to figure out what I had done wrong. 🤦 Like it wasn’t the hurt but the not knowing.
    Though to be completely honest – I have done it to a few friends too wo weren’t good for my mental health. 🙈 Always in situations when my mental health wouldn’t be the best and the confrontation would make it worst. 😓 I wonder what is the right thing to do in such situations?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sorry you went through that Moksha. I’ve also had similar experiences with guys. ❤ It's a really cowardly thing to do.
      It's such a hard situation and I don't think I have the right answer. It's such a tricky one if they are affecting your mental health, and if they are doing that then they obviously aren't good friends. I have found that not contacting them and then if they do contact you, you don't really invest in the conversation, then they'll stop bothering. If you've tried talking to them though, and they still haven't got the message, sadly, sometimes ignoring is just what you have to do. xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow I wrote a piece on ghosting too and it’s sitting in my drafts because I’m hoping that the friend that ghosted me will eventually reach out. Good on you for deleting their number!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I had the same. This was sitting in my drafts for a long time, and before that was in my head for a long time. Feels to rip the band off and let it go. Sorry you’ve had a similar experience 😞 it super sucks 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I was devastated a friend ghosted me —I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. That really affected my mental health. But I know now, it’s their insecurities that lead to ghosting. If someone cared about you in a way that mattered they would actually take the time out to say what’s happening and if not it’s truly a waste of time.

    Thank you for sharing it🙌🏽 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Shahrin, I am so sorry you have also been ghosted by a friend. It really does affect your mental health. You are so right that they are not worth it if they cba to tell you what’s happening, I realise that now xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This has happened to me before and I have actually done this to others too. Its a hard one, whether its between friends, family or relationship wise. In my own experiences, I have told guys I’ve dated that I’m not interested and its caused them to despise me or hold a grudge with me. And others have thought the same when I have ghosted them. its hard to choose which is best. We all want to know the truth but are we ready to hear it?

    The one that breaks my heart the most is when friendships end like that. It probably hurts more than a guy I was seeing ghosting me. It leaves the other person with uncertainty and insecurities. But sometimes we can’t control it!

    Olivia | https://olivialucieblake.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is a hard one but it also says a lot about the guys, if you told them you weren’t interested and they then held a grudge. It sounds like it’s better off not having them in your life anyway.
      You are right, I think a lot of the time we arent ready to hear it. It is such a difficult scenario but I do still believe it’s better just not to go through at all xx

      Like

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